1984: The Crystal Ball Edition

I had been thinking about starting every blog with a shout out to my peeps - but I figured if I was to do that I'd probably have 2 more blogs left before I shut down the site .Actually no. There really is no need for self-effacing modesty. You know what they say - modesty is pride in disguise, or something to that effect, and I have neither the need nor the patience to mask myself behind layers of lies and deception (I'm not a liar. Neither am I a Decepticon - at least not yet, but one day they'll come for me, I'm Cybertron-bound people! All hail Megatron and may he rain his wrath upon Starscream that arse-kisser!!). The truth is that if I was to give a shout-out to all my peeps, my fans and my innumerable critics, I'll still be writing from my grave (or from beyond the pearly gates of Cybertron). So I will not start all my blogs with a shout out but every now and then I promise to show my appreciation. There's no story without the audience (or the storyteller - so we are equally important though we must never forget that there are some who are more equal than others - remember your place!)

shout out to Ling and to Samuel (see I keep my promises)

And now your futures.
Ling, thank you for that lovely comment, you will be immortalized in song and dance. Your name shall live on in the great halls and libraries of the skies and in the year 4046 they will commemorate your bi-millennial in all the galaxies - a banquet that shall have no equal until 6046, when they shall no doubt celebrate your quadro-millennial. In truth they'll have missed it by 38 years - through no fault of your own. After WWCCXXVI, afropolitan will be destroyed by the Solarsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or the SAZI for it's 'anti-socialist' leanings and propaganda. Your name though will be remember fondly, afropolitan having become mandatory reading in at least 7 of 15 planets (the CZ323ians will be especially fond of it). One of the CZ323ian professors will attempt to reconstruct the site and sadly you will be mistaken for the character in Kar-Wai's 2046 which will also be thought to have been made in the year 2046. (This post is, of course, the very source of confusion - but the future is predetermined by our will)

Samuel, you shall have no such luck, I'm afraid. You dissed my African Soul Brother and, though I totally agree with you, he is my biggest financial backer. He promised to pull his funding, if I showed you any goodwill. I cannot risk this very important operation. You will be forgotten, crushed into obscurity - but for the greater good. You will die a painful and horrible, yet ultimately redeeming, death - but such is life! You are the source of your own self-destruction. But I'm envious of you. You're like those centennial plants - the newly discovered palm-like trees or maybe palm tree-like trees in Madagascar - which live quietly for a hundred years then expend all their energy in one final ginormous bloom - radiant flowers dripping with nectar, the foods of the gods - then they whither and die a few months later. Now, that's going out with a bang! Something everyone wants to do but never really get to. Look at Michael Schumacher. This dude wins 7 Championships, the last 5 consecutively. He considers retiring then decides to win one last time. In charges El Nano a.k.a Fernando Alonso Diaz and poor Schuey places 3rd. He holds off retirement home for one last year in a last ditch attempt to go out with a bang. Unfortunately, Mr. Red Baron is no match for his younger counterpart and can only bow out humbly. We all know he wanted to go again - I mean he's still a test driver for Ferrari - but there's only so much you can do before the stench of desperation chokes you to death. So you see, everyone wants to go out with a bang! For most of us though, going out with a bang would mean quitting at our prime (in my case, after my very first post!) - one doesn't quit when the world's in your hands. You, Samuel, are a lucky man!

Speaking of having the world in your grasp, I was playing Texas hold 'em with a bunch of poker nerds the other day. There I was happily parting them of their hard earned cash (happily because this is my only source of income) all the while regaling these suckers with my larger than life exploits during umemulo (adolescent rite of passage during which I fought bravely against a pack of wolves, killed their leader and domesticated the rest - all true I swear). Suddenly I'm dealt both The Emperor and The Wheel of Fortune. (Here's a tip to playing poker: the most assured way of winning all the time is to teach your opponents how to play using Tarot Cards. It is naturally harder for Texas Hold 'em 'cause you have to convince management to use them, but if you're anywhere as resourceful as I am, this'll be a walk in the park (during the day of course, you don't want to meet unsavory characters in the park in the dark) - it's a guarantee of success to be the only one who knows what's going on. Look at GW. He feigned ignorance to make as many illogical moves as he liked and voila! Not only did he invade Iraq, he got re-elected!) So I'm dealt these 2 powerful cards just out of the blue. For two such powerful cards, there can only be one interpretation; worldy power and riches achieved effortlessly. And because I don't intend to do anything but eat, play poker, swim, watch tv, go to the movies, read, write, sleep (or not depending on the urge) - this is an awfully long list of stuff that needs doing. Regardless, it goes to show the power of the blog . I mean, Tianmen City officials who beat some dude to death were brought to task by members of the blogging community! In other words, the world belongs to dudes and dudettes sitting in front of their computers all day in nothing but their underwear! And whose boxers are more flashy than mine, huh? Spiderman rules! I rest my case. The world is mine.

Thus spoke Czar Ra Shyster!